So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
