he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
