I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize