I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
