My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
