your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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