I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Randomize
