Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
