rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
