just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
