I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
