if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm always down for nudity.
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