Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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