i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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