he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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