what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
