i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
