got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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