I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
false alarm, still single
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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