I wish I could teleport
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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