Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
