What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
