stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
