My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
True strength comes from lack of pants
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
