i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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