It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
