I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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