Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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