Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We need to get me chipped asap
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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