I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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