btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
Randomize
