Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
