dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
