sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
