Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize