Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
