Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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