its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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