Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
