Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize