When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Mom said you looked used
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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