woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
