Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
