she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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