Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
