Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
