i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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