Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
