Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
