Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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