Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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