sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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