I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
