I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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