Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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