i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
