I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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