so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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