the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
